In the morning, my soul has gently emerged from sleep. The prayers before falling asleep were present in consciousness: I prayed for clarity; what is the cause of the suffering in the conflictual situation in which I am currently in.
I looked into the calm water, where no movement had taken away the clarity. I saw down to the ground: The crystal-clear water let me see to the depth where the pebbles shone by the light falling on them. Everything was calm and pure.
I received remembrance. Without much noise, gently, like a breeze, she was simply there.
Yes, it is a deep pain, as K. had quite right perceived. A deep wound that is not healed and is bleeding again and again. I have now understood the stigmata that stigmatized people have and that breaks throughout their lives. They cannot be "cured" as they are not caused by personal injury.
"The lover dives again and again to rise up with others." Where did I get that from? I do not know it anymore. But it must have been in my youth when I snapped it up. It was a core sentence, it was a precious seed, which nestled and germinated in my soul. It had tied with my being and from there provided my soul with orientation. Or was it simply a formulation of what has always been as a dormant knowledge in my soul? Experience has often confirmed this statement.
I have experienced this "descent" always as a "plunge into" a relationship. The result was, that my energy field mingled with the field of my partner, a mixture of different frequencies arose. Immersing into an "impure" world of becoming, with all the consequences: A jump into the vortex, where the other struggles for breath, instead of reaching out a long stick from the shore. It was always an intimate touch and a common effort to get to the shore. It was always leaving the load-bearing ground. I also got into distress, to be washed away, I also had to gasp for breath.
Just like in the past weeks. As much as I was looking for it, I did not find any "culprits" in the conflicts, neither outside nor inside me. That confused the small "me". The little “I” in me that is still incapsulated in a niche of separation.
Yes, it did not want to die, so that the suffering of being human, without separation, should not flood my soul. At the same time the separating skin between "you and me" is so permeable, perforated, that there is no difference between "your" and "my" imperfection. No separation between "your" soul and "my" soul.
The little child at that time could not endure the suffering caused by the shame of a unworthy situation for a human being and withdrew into the separation into the niche of the little I. Into the separation of loneliness in the "little self". Now there is no way for “me” to withdraw into an "I" because that "I" is crumbling.
Whatever happens, it is the participation in the process of becoming. The growth-pains no longer belong to "me" or to the "other". It is a pain, like the stigmata of Christ, which will break out again and again as long as there is suffering.
Jesus was asked: "Is it true that you have suffered a lot?" His answer: "I never suffered."
Only when Jesus of our being is born and grown-up, there is a sanctuary where the soul can rest. From there, it is possible to take part in the "suffering of the world" as a process of becoming. Without suffering from it. From there healing takes place: from there, a process is initiated that leads to transformation. Through the inner "Saviour" the way to unity is made possible.
I thank for the clarity that has been given to me once again. It is an unmistakable sign that "we” have together once again reached the shore.
In the beginning, evil breaks through the cracks of the bulwark. Later, it can only break in where there are remains of the wall.
It is not about keeping away the other in his fight for survival and to remain "cool". That would mean a step back into separation. It is not about rising from suffering like a balloon. The difficulty is that with increasing transparency and "perforated" skin, the energy from others flows into me. I feel soiled, "unclean", I get ugly through the eyes of the other person, who cannot see me in his struggle for survival. I cannot exclude judgments that are handed out due to lack of understanding and interpretation from the frog-perspective. The imperfect - the "sinner", as it was called earlier - receive confirmation of its existence. To build up a "protection" - as is recommended in psychology, is nonsense in this; it would still lead back to the separation! I can well understand that many who have reached the point are withdrawing from the world. They choose to be alone in a sheltered space so that the "last walls" can also crumble and fall. Until there is no "I" left, which would still prevent unity. Until it is so far that the "evil" does not find any longer surface for attack. It means: "In the beginning, evil breaks through the cracks in the bulwark. Later, it can only break in where there are remains of the wall."
Imperfection is not guilt, it is a task.
The hardest things to endure are the own unwanted reactions, which hurt others, aggravated violations, rather than smoothen them. Not to value these emotional reactions is a big challenge. There remains still a remnant of imperfection hanging on being as long as our home is in the body.
It takes courage for me to recognize the impurity that streams in from outside me as not my own and do not immediately let me "be infected" by it. If I do not muster that courage, the uncertainty about my identity is the result. Immediately the question awakes: "Where is the same impurity in me which is expressed by the other person?" With that, I have fallen to the level of “still existing walls” of identification and I am at the mercy of being stoned by concepts. Concepts that are no longer "inside" or "outside" of me, that simply belong to this level of the "wall", indeed, which form its essence.
How could I be open and exclude the imperfect being of the other? No, that is not the way to unity! Recognize that in me, too, are imperfections that are addressed, as in every human being. I am imperfect, the other person is imperfect - the situation in which we meet is imperfect. It is not possible to act "right". But anything that is "wrong" can turn out to be a necessary addition in the process of becoming. And how do I know what my counterpart needs on his way? The humble assumption, that my own weakness can be used as a necessary challenge for others as well. It is the role of Judas - the role that has been misunderstood in the world for 2,000 years.
The deep need in me to do everything "right", to strive for "harmony at any cost" suffers. What can I do to eliminate this suffering? What do I have to learn by doing this? With this question, I turned more than 30 years ago to a spiritual teacher who could not leave the wheelchair for 25 years. For a while she looked into the space - the picture is still unclouded, as if it had happened yesterday - before she answered gently: "I do not think you should “do” something with it. It is not so that you must "learn" something about it. You get this situation just to endure it.” This statement became a turning point in my inner work.
That's what Gurdjieff called "intentional suffering": To endure imperfection in the process of becoming in me and in the world without any comments, analysis, appraising. Without drilling in to where something comes from. "The explanations are not the reason," said Reshad Feild. Yes, we confuse the two again and again. Our intellect wants to find a clear linear explanation to be secure in its sovereignty.
The only task in an imperfect, tense situation lies in the work of transformation through the conscious breath. That is up to me - that is my responsibility. The distribution of roles in external events takes place with the participation of my own imperfection. That is "being totally human."
Realized man can fulfil the task assigned to him by the Creator
Man is created in the image of God. That is, he is endowed with creative abilities.
Why does creatina need beings that are meant to cooperate with the Creator, so to say?
So that man takes part in the "redemption". It could be an answer.
As we are, "half-finished", this task exceeds our capabilities. The task of reaching "completion" first, is the first step in becoming the "helper of God" at all. To convey the perception of Oneness as a bridge between multiplicity and unity.
The last painting of the Isenheim altar, the "Temptation of St. Anthony" is a brilliant composition to represent this "function of a bridge".
The key to the picture is the little piece of paper attached to the rotten tree trunk in the lower right corner of the picture:
On this note is a question: "Where have you been, good Jesus, where have you been, why have not you been here to help and heal my wounds?"
There would still be space for an answer on the note. But the answer is "grown into" the rotten trunk, before the question arose: "Fide me". "Trust me."
We do not receive the answer on our questions - but it is deeply engraved in the transient forms of life, beyond the "conscious" question formulated by our minds. The answer is given before the question arose. The reason, the meaning, the purpose of painful processes is beyond time, in eternity.
The reason, the "why" cannot be answered with explanations that hold us in the linearity of time as psychological contexts or as a doctrine of reincarnation.